My Personal Dance Story

We have been asked to journal about three questions regarding dance and our participation in it.
1. Why did I become a dancer/continue dancing?
2. What does it mean to me/why do I dance?
3. An anecdote about my dance history.

1. I became a dancer at 2 when my mother put me into ballet classes. At this point I am sure it was more of a socialization tool and an activity to get me physically active and engaged with my body and movement. I moved when I was 4 and continued to dance in my new town. I missed dancing for about a year when I was 7/8 and picked it back up. I first started in ballet, then moved to modern and jazz and re-entered ballet when I was about 11. I continued with jazz, but discontinued modern dance. Along the way I took other classes and workshops in varied types of dance such as clogging and bellydancing (sorry Raya, I don't know how to spell Belladie ....see??!!).

I continued dance because for me it was a challenge. Particularly ballet. I have always been able to navigate easily through intellectual challenges like those in school, but to refine my technique and hone my skill to perfection is a bigger challenge for me. I engage my mind and body in discipline through this and have learned much about life and people and choices by pursuing dance. Dance wasn't a problem I could solve quickly - the skill set builds upon each practice and grade level. I have also always been better able to think when I am actively involved in sport or other physically demanding activities. Dance became a passion. It was where I could express myself emotionally and challenge my body. I was good, but not the best, and for a perfectionist therein lies the challenge.

I continued with ballet the longest, 13 years in total. In part because it is a rigid dance form with very specific relations in space, to your own body and to those of the dancers around you. I am flexible to the extreme and controlling my movements became part of the challenge and the reward. It was an area of my life I didn't have to explain and something I could love with all my heart and it was just for me. I had friends who understood the freedom that comes through the structure and discipline, though we never verbalized it. These and so many other reasons are why I continued to dance.

2. Dance, for me is a form of self-expression. It is creative, emotional, intellectual and a chance to challenge my body. It is a passion of mine. Sometimes I wish I could give up everything else and just dance for the rest of my life. Dance is a way to structure my life and to learn control, not only physically, but in all areas of my life. I am not one who cares too much either way about performing, though it can be fun. I dance for myself and not for others. When I dance the problems of the world (which I hope to address through my academic career) disappear and all I know is dance and how my body and mind feel.

3. The anecdote that I remember the most strikingly from dance has to be from the year I quit. I was 16 and had been having trouble with my knees. I went to the doctor, and eventually to the orthopedic surgeon. Long story short, he told me I needed surgery to correct the problem. On both knees at once and scheduled me for a few months down the road. I went home, thought about this and talked it over with my family. Then I went into privacy and thought about how that would impact on my dance career.

Eventually, after a lot of thought and tears, I knew I needed to quit. Not in May, when my surgery was, but right then in January/February. I went in the next week and spoke to my teacher. I told her what was going on and I never went back. Since joining this class and in particular since receiving this assignment, I've been thinking a lot about this incident. I've been wondering why I really didn't dance for the last few months, why I had to quit then. Why I haven't gone back. I still have all my shoes. I have always brought them with me when I move somewhere. I keep them in the closet, wrapped up and hidden. Sometimes, through all the years between then and now, I have broken them out and danced in my kitchen. I only ever do this when I am alone and have no chance of being caught.

Thinking about the reasons why I quit, I know retrospectively that I had to o it right then and couldn't prolong the time when I knew I would have to quit anyway. I left and didn't look back for a long time. Since then, I have not thought in depth about dance and about my abrupt departure from it. I know that I couldn't have without becoming upset. Leaving dance is one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. In the years between then and now, I know something has been missing in my life. Coming back to dance, even if only part time has given that back to me. I developed fears and avoided dance because I knew what I was missing. Even a decade later, coming back, my body still knows. It will take months of rigorous training for me to regain what I lost, but I have the most important thing back - that piece of myself that I abandoned almost a decade ago.